(never degraded someone before) you have your mother's cruelty. and your father's cowardice.
Me: Fuck, the paper towels I want are on the top shelf.
The Sir David Attenborough That Lives In My Brain: Being smaller-than-average presents an added challenge to foraging ... but necessity is the mother of invention. A little creativity turns a baguette into a tool, and voilà--
(paper towel roll falls on my face)
Sir David Attenborough, pleasantly: Success.
Textbook definition of skedaddle.
@lizardlicks GET OFF MY PORCH
i moved i moved look see?? I'm already gone!
One of my neighbors a few blocks down has a pomegranate tree in their front yard and they never eat the pomegranates so I decided I’d take some because frankly if they’re not using it then it’s free real estate but that’s when I learned why they don’t eat the pomegranates because every single one I cut open had a fungus infection.
It was such instant regret the second I cut one open. I felt like some sort of protagonist from a fable about why you shouldn’t steal off your neighbor’s fruit trees.
what if we blew up everything
Overworked Writer at TheGamer Whose Bomb Collar Will Detonate If His SEO Drops Below A Certain Percentage:
Was making food to bring over to my grandfather so i made him a little chicken pot pie (I know it looks like shit you need to be nice to me) and i cut out some letters in the pastry to spell out “Papa” for him, because that is what he is called, and i thought it would be Nice, but it backfired somehow and now i have to hand him a fucking fap pie. fuck my baka life
Everything I’ve Ever Let Go Of Has Claw Marks On It
To save someone else going through eleventy billion reverse image searches - the sculptor is David Altmejd.
Thought 2, 2019
i like this photo because it looks like i just told clefable we’re letting her go from her job were she’s been a loyal and dependable employee for 20 years
